Dope and the Doping Dopers Who Use It

Drum roll, please! Big announcement! Ivan Basso is a doper! But no surprise really, Elvis has been telling you this for some time now. The only surprise is that Lance and the Discovery team's group of lawyers wasn't able to insulate Basso from being banned from cycling. Elvis is bewildered as to just what went wrong on the Armstrong machine. The only thing we know for certain, heads will roll. Oh, that and the curious fact that there is no mention of Lance Armstrong in any article about the doper Basso. Contrary to Armstrong being all over the place when Basso was signed to ride for Armstrong's team. Here is a photo in the event that you, too, have forgotten that Basso was Lance's boy. The heir apparent. The guy that Lance "believed in".

Blood Brothers

I see that a lot of the cycling press is now praising Basso for "coming clean" on the doping. Come on! He didn't 'come clean'. It was more a case of Let's Make a Deal than it was Basso's desire to set the record straight. His DNA matched that of blood found in the evil scientist's lab and Basso had no defense. He was caught dead to rights. It's clear that his lawyers worked out a deal so that Basso could avoid criminal penalties and be back to cycling as early as 2008.

Make no mistake, Basso is no hero. He is a lying, cheating doper and a big part of the scourge that is ruining the sport of cycling. He is not a nice guy. He is not an innocent simply caught up in a terrible mistake. He is a guy who made the decision to cheat to gain an unfair advantage. He decided to cheat to make more money. He decide to cheat to gain more fame. He cheated his teammates, his team, his family, every other pro rider (well, the clean ones anyway) and he cheated all of us who enjoy the sport. Don't you dare feel sorry for this creep. Prior to being caught red handed Basso vehemently denied having anything to do with doping, said that he never met, talked to or even heard of the evil doctor, and even lied about the name of his dog (his code name at the evil lab was that of his dog). Seriously folks, if nothing else, you can't ever trust a guy who lies about his own dog. That's just sick.

Furthermore, almost as soon as he "admitted" to doping (admitted being parenthetical as he was cornered with the DNA facts and had no choice in the matter), he begins the lies anew. Typical of doper cyclists isn't it? Never taking responsibility. What is his newest lie? Well, he didn't really dope after all. What? But didn't he admit to doping? Not exactly. You'll need to keep an open mind on this one; he didn't get around to cheating you see, because he wasn't going to start cheating until the 2006 Tour de France. And since he was booted out before the Tour began he didn't bother with the doping program. A really incredible story, don't you think? You see, here's what happened; he meets the the evil scientist who designs a doping program for Basso. Basso provides the quarts of blood to the evil scientist who uses it (bubble, bubble, boil and trouble) to make the superman broth that was to be delivered to Basso during the Tour. Basso apparently didn't need it to crush the competition in the Giro. He didn't need it to finish 2nd in the 2005 Tour. He just wanted, you know, that little extra boost for the 2006 Tour. But he didn't ride the race so he didn't use the dope. He's a completely honest and clean racer otherwise. Never-mind the rule that racers never, ever try anything new the day of a race. No new shoes, no new saddles, no new handlebars and certainly no new blood.

"It was only attempted doping", Basso said. "I've got some nice ocean-view property in Switzerland for sale", he may as well have said. Attempted doping? It would be as if his plan was all set and then Lieutenant Columbo shows up, takes the stub of a cigar out of his mouth and says, "Oh, one more thing Mr. Basso. You say that you've never met the evil scientist, right? And that you forgot the name of your dog. Didn't you say that Mr. Basso? And you're sure that your DNA won't be a match, isn't that right, Mr. Basso? Well, I'm heading to the lab now. We'll know soon enough. Have a nice day Mr. Basso". This exchange causes Mr. Basso to give up the plan and admit to what he was about to do. No harm, no foul is his defense. It's nothing if not clever. Hard to prove a negative since we have no blood or DNA from last year. Elvis will remind you to use your own eyes, ears and common sense. If Basso's story sounds right to you then go ahead and believe him. Just remember how he lied about the lab, the scientist, his blood and (shudder), his dog.

Did Mr. Basso say attempted doping?

Basso also claims that he has no idea if any other riders are involved in doping and even if he did, he won't say.

Elvis predicts that the Monty Hall (host of Let's Make a Deal) of anti-doping will give Basso a cheat date of late June or early July 2006. This will enable Basso to ride in the 2008 Tour (after serving a mandated two year suspension). Is this good for the sport? Heck no. Basso will spend the next twelve months finding a more sophisticated method of cheating and he will be back the same as ever. A liar and a cheater. Elvis favors banishing cheaters for life. Just look at what's going on with Tyler "We Believe" Hamilton, convicted doper who lied and cheated all through out his original doping case. His name (and doped blood) pops up in the latest scandal and he continues his lies. He's been booted out of this year's Giro and his team has suspended him. Poor, poor, pitiful Tyler. He's just a simple cyclist with a cute wife and a lovable dog that died. He would never cheat. He just doesn't understand why there is a such a vast conspiracy out to sully his name. I've got news for you Tyler; you're the guy who dirtied your name. And you took the sport of cycling and the Olympics down into the muck with you. For three years people have wasted enormous amounts of time and energy on your behalf and on the behalf of those who want a clean sport. All because you weren't man enough to admit to your doping. Yes, you're a great guy. Thanks for the memories. Now go away.

What? Me worry?

Which of course brings us to Floyd Landis. He now claims that the US Anti-Doping Agency offered to give him a short suspension if he would give up some dirt on Lance Armstrong. Yes, that Lance Armstrong. The Lance Armstrong that said, "I believe in Floyd". Words that Lance is sure to rue. Floyd makes this wild claim just days before his hearing on doping charges is to begin. Floyd says that the alleged offer was "offensive", that it didn't "justify a response", and that he only brings it up now to show how nasty the anti-doping people are. Thanks for that, Floyd. We can always count on you to speak truth to power.

Floyd has taken great advantage of the rule that allows the implicated cyclist to run off at the mouth but prevents anti-doping officials from making any public comments. Numerous times in the past nine months the anti-doping agency has asked Landis to waive this rule, thereby allowing them to speak to the public; Landis has refused each request. You see, he only wants you to hear his side of the story. Elvis is amused by this comment on the matter by an anti-doping lawyer, "If Mr. Landis will waive the rule and allow me to comment, then I'll be happy to address his nonsense". Much of this may become clear next week when the Landis hearing is scheduled to begin. But don't be surprised if the hearing date changes. Landis, like Basso, just might make a deal in an attempt to preserve whatever dignity (and racing) he has left.

And Floyd, if it's true that they made you an offer for the goods on Lance and if it's true that you haven't yet responded - the offer still stands. I suggest that you take them up on it. Sell out Lance for your own selfish motivations. What did he ever do for you?

Good luck in court, Floyd. The other side can now respond to your excuses, claims, allegations and everything else.