Stage 18 - I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Today I had the distinct pleasure of having my best cycling friends at my side for the last long stage. Darin, Russ and The Boss pulled me from Germantown all the way to Belgium and back. We averaged almost 19.5 mph on a breezy, overcast day. Highlights included stopping at one of those Mobil/McDonald's for salted nut rolls and Gatorade, but then watching The Boss change his mind, head to the McDonald's counter and order a Happy Meal. It really did seem to make him happy too.

The real blue train. Russ, Darin and The Boss.

The other highlight, and this is huge, I successfully pee'd while riding the bike. I tried this once before about a year ago and ended up with urine all over my shorts, shoes and bike. This challenge has vexed me ever since. Oftentimes during television coverage of the Tour, especially on long, flat stages, I'll notice a rider scooting forward of the peloton, turning to the side and reaching into the front of his shorts. The cameras quickly pan away but we all know what was about to happen - he was going to relieve himself without running the risk of getting dropped if he were to go the alternate route and dismount at the side of the road. Another option is to simply pee in your shorts and then rinse with a squirt from your water bottle. It's apparently not too bad if you believe this guy HERE. But I'm not too keen on that idea.

As a guy who has learned to drink, drink and drink to keep healthy and happy I simply needed to find a solution (no pun intended). It was embarrassing to have to yell, "Pinkelpause!" every 20 miles or so and make my friends slow down. I'm sure it was annoying to them. Here is what I've come up with, and which works;

Elvis Kennedy’s Guide to Peeing While Riding A Bike

1. Find a suitable stretch of road. This means a road with little vehicular traffic and few buildings.
2. A slight downhill is best. You need to keep your speed high enough that you’re still stable on your bike without needing both hands on the bars and without needing to pedal. Pedaling or putting both hands on the bars will result in failure.
3. Ideally you’d have a slight side wind. I turn to the right so I want a left-to-right breeze. I shouldn’t need to tell you not to pee into the wind.
4. You can ride ahead of your cycling buddies but drifting back a little is probably best. No need to embarrass yourself.
5. Once steps 1-4 are in place do the following
a. Steady yourself on the bike.
b. Slowly stand on your pedals, turn your upper body to the right or left (keeping the side wind in mind). If you turn to the right your right pedal should be at the bottom of the stroke and if you turn to the left, well, you figure it out.
c. Control your bike with your left hand (if you turn to the right), slowly flip the top of your cycling shorts down a bit and bring Mr. Happy out just far enough to be able to aim.
d. Turn your hips as far as you can to the side and rearward by bracing your left knee against the top tube. You should be standing tall at this point. Be careful not to twist your knees or you could unclip from your pedals. You won’t be turned as far as you’d like to be but remember, this is a compromise (in more ways than one!).
e. Muster up as much bladder pressure as you can before letting go. A strong stream will travel farther and increase your chances of success.
f. Clear your mind of cars, other bikers, pedestrians and other passersby. If you let those things bother you, you will fail. You must be single-minded and focused!
g. Aim high and straight out to the side. This will give the wind a chance to carry the pee away from you and your bike. Keep your wrist and arm tucked in.
h. Once you begin, keep the pressure as high as you can for as long as you can. Once you lose pressure it’s best to stop as fast as possible. You don’t need to completely empty your bladder. Draining 80-90% of it will do the trick.
i. Once you’ve shut the faucet off give yourself one quick shake and stuff Mr. Happy back where he belongs. But be sure the faucet is off.
j. Turn your body forward, pedal a bit to gain speed, make a few minor adjustments for comfort and ride on.

This takes practice. Don’t give up if at first you don’t succeed. Ladies, you’re on your own.

I will post this guide at the left under "Bike Pee Guide" so you can refer to it whenever you'd like. You can also download the guide from the same page.

Yet another reader service provided to you free of charge from ElvisKennedy.com.


Today's Mileage Goal: 59.83. Miles Ridden: 64.