Urine or You're Out

So the Floyd Landis public relations team rolls on. They're now claiming that the lab that performed tests on Landis' pee that ultimately showed that he had violated rules by taking prohibited performance enhancing drugs "may" have broken some rules by using the same technicians to perform both the "A" and the "B" sample tests. I guess there is a rule that says different technicians should do the testing so that a single technician has no reason to falsify a test simply to validate his/her prior faulty testing. Confusing? It's supposed to be. It's supposed to be confusing because the Landis team goal is to make it sound as if everyone involved in this case is a moronic dufus with an axe to grind. Read about it HERE in an article that also refers to a similar technicality that allowed doper Inigo Landaluze to go scott free.

First, isn't Landis the guy who cried foul last summer when his own team "outed" him by confirming that his pee was the stuff that failed? He claimed that the information was supposed to be confidential and cited that reason as one of many in his attempts to get the case dismissed. If he really believed in the sanctity of the proceedings and the confidentiality of the information then he wouldn't be out there bla, bla, bla-ing about his case every day.

Second, if he were confident that his pee was clean he would not only allow but insist that it be re-tested. He has fought this at every turn. He is even refusing to allow re-testing on pee that tested clean during the 2006 Tour as well as any testing on pee he provided one week after the Tour. Now why would a clean rider refuse such testing? Sure, this is against normal procedures but remember, those procedures are in place to protect the riders from being subject to too many runs of a test. The rules state; two samples, if the first sample tests clean, all testing stops. It helps prevent abuse by aggressive anti-dope proponents. But in this instance it could only help Floyd (if he were truly clean). It seems to me that Floyd's perspective should be the more testing, the better. Any claim by Landis that he won't allow further testing because of procedural reasons is pure crap. He's hiding behind procedures that are there to help dopers, not clean riders. Maybe he risks even more failed tests with all of the scrutiny any such re-testing would be under. Is that why he is so afraid of further testing? But I re-iterate; if you are truly clean you have nothing, nothing to be afraid of.

He is also claiming that the operating manual for the testing equipment wasn't in the lab and therefore proper operating procedures were not followed. One does not necessarily follow the other. When is the last time you opened an operating manual? Real life and death medical tests and procedures happen in thousands of hospitals around the U.S. with nary a technician or doctor sticking their noses in an operating manual. They are highly trained individuals who may look at the manuals as a reference for unusual or unique circumstances, but not every day. Same with pee testers. They are highly trained, licensed and certified. I would be more concerned if they had the operating manual out and open. That would indicate an inexperienced and unskilled technician, not the other way around. Again, it's just more noise from the Landis camp.

All of this could be leading up to Landis getting off on technical minutiae. But not because he rode clean. He's been making so much noise and throwing so much crap up against the wall it looks as if something might actually stick. A victory for Landis would be a defeat for cycling. More dopers would follow his lead and look for technical issues to confuse matters. Before you Floyd backers get too excited, please note; the US Anti-Doping Agency, in reference to Landis' most recent claims has said, "Our mission to protect clean athletes requires that we follow the evidence and only the evidence to get to the truth, and not to be influenced by any external pressures". In other words, they're looking at the facts, not the noise Landis is making. They are moving forward with the case and you have to ask yourself why. If the Landis team is so convinced of technical errors and faulty readings, why isn't the USADA? I presume that they have a reputation to uphold and if they come out of this looking silly or vindictive it would only hurt their position. Not that Elvis hasn't seen organizations and individuals do stupid things (almost every day, actually) but surely the USADA must feel confident in their position. And they know a lot more about the facts than the public does. All we hear and read is what Landis has been blathering on about. The lawyers and others on the other side don't hold press conferences and travel around the country in fund-raising dog and pony shows disclosing only that information which appears to be helpful to their side of the case.

Speaking of which, have any of you actually gone through the Power Point slide show that Landis and his crew are running around the country showing? Download and read it HERE (near the bottom of the web page). Here is a sampling of what Landis is claiming; sample mislabeled, specimen contaminated, testing unreliable, tests were not positive, pee wasn't Floyd's, undecipherable handwriting on reports, improper notation, inaccurate chain of custody paperwork, specimens were contaminated (not just "A" sample, but "B" sample too), testosterone levels too high for further testing, results inconsistent, flawed process for testing, test not infallible, test criteria not met. Whew! And all of that is only through slide 23 of 44. They might as well have said, "Floyd wasn't there. And if he was he didn't do it. And if he did you can't prove it". If you're going to waste your time reading it like I did just keep one thing in mind; it is wildly skewed to one side of each issue. The presentation is not an open debate, just one guy's desperate attempt to confuse you into thinking it's a slam dunk case in Floyd's favor. Noise. Open your eyes and look around. Both the French and the American doping agencies have reviewed all of the information and still believe that it's prudent to move forward with banning Landis. If it were as open and shut as Floyd suggests this would have gone away long ago. And keep in mind, it has been Landis at every turn seeking to delay hearings and procedures. It's only dragging on because he wants it to.

The solution in the Landis case is quite simple if we'd stop focusing on all of the noise and get down to the pee. Under the scrutiny of Landis' vast defense team a neutral lab could perform tests on Landis' pee from the following; all samples provided just prior, during and shortly following the 2006 Tour. Even if all of Landis' claims regarding procedural deviations are true, and assuming that such deviations led to two false positives, wouldn't having a neutral lab, following tightly controlled and observed procedures get to the truth of the matter? Isn't that what we want and what cycling needs? Since Landis is refusing such testing we are left wondering; is the truth what Floyd Landis wants?

The same goes for Lance Armstrong; stop your childish bickering with World Anti-Doping head Dick Pound and have your pee from all seven Tours that you won re-tested in a similar manner. And offer to keep the pee available for testing in the future as the tests for finding drugs improve. If, as you are fond of saying, you've never taken performance enhancing drugs, you should have no concerns over having your pee re-tested with the more sophisticated testing that will be developed and available in the future. It mystifies me why you wouldn't be demanding such a scenario. Come on, you're a big boy; what are you afraid of?

Note; when I say pee I mean; urine, blood, saliva, hair follicles and anything else needed to determine the lack or presence of performance enhancing substances.

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Notes on the Tour of California

Don't kid yourself, this race is simply a showcase for American riders. It will never compete with the one day Spring Classics or a single stage victory in the Tour de France, contrary to the claims of race organizers. Most teams and riders use this event as an early season tune-up, they are not at peak form. As a venue to allow Americans an opportunity to see pro cycling up close and personal it's great. As an event on it's way to become prestigious, there's a lot of work to do.

And they can start by not making crazy rulings that serve no purpose other than to protect the year's chosen favorite. This year the race organizers gave the same finishing time to the riders that were affected by a crash ten (ten!) kilometers from the finish. Take a guess at who was in the pile-up? That's right, the organizers favorite, Levi Leipheimer. The international rule on this is that crashers within three kilometers of the finish will receive the same time as the main pack. But ten? Read the race organizers sorry excuse HERE. The fact that no one other than Elvis seems to care about this just proves my theory that this race will never compete with the big continental races. Can you imagine the uproar if someone tried to make this kind of ruling at the Tour de France?

I worked in the TT, why should I work anymore?

The hills along the course aren't challenging enough to break up the main group of 40 riders. If you win the time trial you win the race. Happened in 2006 and again this year. Why run seven stages when the overall victor is just the guy that won the time trial? With the exception of the time trial Leipheimer doesn't have a single mile with his nose in the wind. If Bernard Hinault were dead this lack of panache would have him rolling over in his grave. Like I said, a showcase not a prestigious international event.

And of course it doesn't help when the major sponsor is Amgen, a manufacturer of EPO, the cyclists preferred illegal drug of choice. No conflict there. And on top of that, USA Cycling won't even run drug testing during the race even though the major sponsor requested it (or so they say). How is any of this good for the long-term health of a very dysfunctional sport? Do you think the race organizers feared what would happen if a rider tested positive for using Amgen's drug? You bet they did. It would kill the event and the only sure way to prevent that was to refuse to provide testing.

The race coverage was terrible. Choppy video that made you sea-sick, footage that froze and garbled signals. Since they replay the race hours after the event occurs how difficult would it be to edit out the lousy video? Much of it was cleaned up by the final stage but you'd think that they would have done a little preparation. Still, it was fun hearing the voices of Phil Liggett, Paul Sherwin and Bob Roll again. A sure sign of Spring. Unlike this weather forecast;



Over twenty inches of the white crap on my driveway. The added snow will push regular spring riding back another two or three weeks as the snow-cover will keep the roads slippery and dangerous and the temperatures lower. Which will force us into more sad rides like this;

When Nature Calls You Outdoors

After five weeks of below average temperatures (global warming - where are you?) the sun finally popped out and pushed temps above freezing. Not that 33 degrees is warm by any stretch of the imagination but it was still warm enough to make me think that an outside ride would be fun. Unfortunately, I couldn't sneak out of work until 4:30 (16:30 for those of you from outside the U.S., as well as our heroes from the U.S. military - to whom I say Semper fi my brothers and sisters, Charlie Mike!) and that meant that the temperatures were dropping rapidly and the sunlight was fading quickly. Hidden icy patches, two of which had me fish-tailing, and automobile drivers, cutting too close because they weren't expecting to meet a cyclist on the road in February had me on edge the entire ride. Undaunted, I was rewarded with 20 outside miles and this pretty sunset (which I was able to capture because I had my camera with me). Note about the photo; this is the kind of sunset that has tourists in Hawaii scrambling for their cameras. With the exception of having a spectacular beach from which to take a picture, this sunset is just as lovely. It also says a lot about Wisconsin.

Winter sunset in Wisconsin

All of that was yesterday. Today I got a call from The Boss who was looking for a buddy to go with him on a ride. Since it was 46 degrees and sunny out and since The Boss is, well, The Boss, I went.

Riding on roads that we hadn't been on for a few months was a real pleasure. Most of the snow and ice had melted from the roadways, even in the shady spots. The spring-like weather had auto drivers in good moods too, so no trouble there. The only real problems were my legs. They felt like lead. Why is it that you can spend hours on the trainer, pushing your heart and body to near their limits and then you get outside on the road and it seems as if you haven't ridden in months? Yes, I know that wind, weather and road conditions can have an impact on your work-out but the difference in 'trainer fitness' and 'real world fitness' shouldn't be so remarkable. Just this past Saturday I did 50 miles on the trainer with Coach Troy, after which my legs felt a lot better than after today's 37 miles. Well, come to think of it, Coach Troy isn't near the whip cracker that The Boss is.

The Boss and I also had a chance to talk about logistics regarding our upcoming cycling trip to Texas. It's only a few weeks away. Item number one; get in shape. Item number two; get in shape. We also talked about how best to get our bikes down there (FedEx), how much on the bike food to take (lots), how many evenings will be spent at Texas roadhouses (all of them) and whether or not the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas was still operating (for research activities only you understand, so I have something fun to post in the blog). This last item also gives me a reasonable excuse to run the photo at the end of the post.

We also talked about how many miles we should plan to ride each day and how hard the miles should be. We agreed to ease into the week by doing two, two hour sessions for the first few days and then building to five hour rides by the end. Intensity is anybody's guess. We agree to avoid over doing things but my experience tells me that once the competitive juices start to flow all bets are off. In any event the trip is going to be fun and I'm looking forward to it.


Note: Dolly Parton starred in the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas movie. Jessica Simpson tried to sing Dolly's song, "Nine to Five" at the Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C. without success, which you can read about HERE. And there's the connection. Besides, you didn't really want me to post a shot of 61 year old Dolly Parton, did you? I didn't think so. Enjoy!



Elvis totally doesn't know what Jessica's IQ is, but he wants her.

Elvis' Mea Culpa

Elvis has a confession to make; Elvis is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's infant daughter, Dannielynn.

To admit to the drunken one-night stand in Las Vegas just over one year ago has been the most difficult thing that I have ever done. I am ashamed of what I did and I will not use alcohol or sexually abusive priests as excuses. The malfeasance was mine, and mine alone. To my family; I can only humbly ask forgiveness. If it is not forthcoming, I understand. Just remember, there are 88 million reasons to forgive and forget.

To baby Danneilynn I promise this; I will love you as I have my other children. I will fight for and then, as your legal guardian, wisely manage the 88 million dollars that your wacky mother's estate will get from the estate of that old fart she was sleeping with a couple of years ago. I will show you all that the world has to offer by traveling alone, or with a companion (or two) to fun and exotic locales around the world, before bringing you along, out of, you know, safety concerns. I will provide only the safest automobiles for us to be chauffeured around in. The finest, fastest and safest aircraft. I will send you off, for months at a time, to the finest boarding schools far from home. Our butlers, drivers, chefs, tailors, groundkeepers, housekeepers and handmaidens will all be British trained to the highest of standards (well, I do have my eye on a Vegas showgirl that would make a fine handmaiden, and as executor, my call).

As proof that I am the rightful biological father I offer up the following; 1) During that fateful week-end in Las Vegas I used the alias that I often use for security purposes when traveling; Danny. A derivative of which Nicole was kind enough to use as the baby's name. 2) The photograph (below) - that's Elvis, taking pictures, lower left. 3) And finally, I will offer up as many DNA samples needed by the testing lab to prove that I am the biological father. I insist on one thing however; that the lab to perform the tests is Chatenay-Malabry in France. You may recognize the name of the laboratory because it is the same one that found evidence of illegal doping by both Lance Armstrong and Floyd Landis. This is a well respected and reliable lab which is accredited by the International Olympic Committee.

That's Elvis in the striped shirt, lower left. I was taking pictures and she asked for a print. I said, "Sure, but when can I give it to you?". She replied, "How about now?". Vegas, what a city!

If the lab somehow makes a mistake or otherwise mislabels or mishandles the DNA samples which result in Elvis being named the true father - case closed. If for some reason the testing comes back negative I will call upon the Fairness Fund for assistance. Floyd Landis is affiliated with the Fairness Fund and promises that they can help to ensure fairness, accountability and oversight. It's that oversight thing I'm looking for and something that Floyd Landis and the Fairness Fund have become expert at. Together, Floyd and Elvis can win this thing.




Anna, I hardly knew yee

Sticks and Stones

Multi-millionaire, self promoting superstar Lance Armstrong just has to have his way. It will be his downfall. Armstrong has been in a childish war of words with the chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency, Dick Pound. Pound has been like a bull in a china shop when it comes to doping in cycling. He calls it as he sees it and that bothers people, especially dopers like Lance Armstrong. Doping is about to kill the professional sport of cycling (read HERE to learn that Discovery is pulling their sponsorship (sure, they claim it had nothing to do with doping but that's just another doping related lie)). History shows that every time there has been a drug related crisis in cycling the solution has been to sweep the problem under the rug and essentially ignore it. "It's better for the sport if we keep the high profile riders in the races", and, "The teams have assured us that they are taking every step necessary to ensure that their riders are clean" are typical comments we hear from leaders in the sport.

So along comes Dick Pound and he's not interested in hiding the problem. He's interested in fixing it and to fix something you have to first recognize that it's broken. Lance Armstrong, on the other hand, has no interest in having the world recognize the fact that top cyclists dope. Armstrong is much more interested in himself - he doesn't care about the sport of cycling. He also likes to whip out the cancer card at every turn because he knows that it's his way of tricking people into believing him on the one hand, and shutting up people like Dick Pound on the other. If the truth about Armstrong's vast doping program came to light he would be knocked off of his pedestal and become forever known as a liar and a cheat. For a man with Armstrong's ego and need to be in the spotlight that just won't do.

Dick Pound, no that's not my porn industry name

The cancer card has been the knock-out punch for Lance and he is simply not used to people being able to take the punches and keep standing. So what does Lance do? He files complaint after complaint regarding Pound. He demands that Pound be fired from his post. I love that one; a doper demands that the anti-doping chief be fired because he is doing his job as the 'anti-doping' chief. Get it Lance? Anti doping. Oh forget it. You wouldn't understand what riding clean means would you? Read HERE and HERE how Lance's complaining resulted in Pound being asked to "exercise greater prudence" when making public announcements. Lance, with his typical dishonesty calls this a "major victory". Major victory? You demanded that Pound be fired and all that happened was that Pound was asked to choose his words carefully. I'd call that a major defeat as well as further evidence that Lance is being dishonest about his motives regarding cycling. And note the headline of the NY Times article, "Ethics Rebuke for Doping Chief". What would be wrong with a more accurate headline like, say, "War of Words Over Lance Armstrong's Failed Drug Test Continues"?

Lance also said that the committee's recommendation that Pound only be asked to be more thoughtful was not the resolution that he had in mind. Wait a minute. I thought that you said it was a major victory. Wasn't a major victory what you had in mind? Is it considered a major victory when you don't get what you had in mind? I don't ever recall thinking that a little kiss on the cheek at the end of an expensive date was a 'major victory'. Then again, I'm not a rich and famous doped up egomaniac. They obviously think different.

Lance calls Pound a "clown" and an "absolute disaster". Nice. Nancy-boy Lance cries like a baby when Dick Pound speaks the truth and as soon as Pound is asked to be more civil Lance lowers the discourse even further by resorting to name-calling. What a creep! You see, this is where Lance's over-active ego will be his downfall. He'd be best served by keeping his mouth shut and going on a low-profile vacation with his boyfriend. All Lance does by this childish bickering is keep the words doping, EPO and Lance Armstrong in the same sentence.

Anti-Doping chief Dick Pound said it best; "He (Armstrong) keeps alive this whole thing that he should be trying to fade away, that a French accredited laboratory found that he had six positive samples for EPO in 1999. Maybe he thinks if he huffs and puffs, all of this will go away, but it won't". Amen, brother!

Positively False

Oh, Goody! Doper Floyd Landis will be publishing "his story", planned for release just as the 2007 Tour de France gets underway. It's just the way the timing worked. Floyd's just your average, clean-cut Mennonite who wouldn't do any self-promoting. Yes, that whole Mennonite thing. I'm sure that it will be a central theme in his book as he once again tries to portray himself as the innocent victim. The book's title? Positively False. Elvis thinks that it's a good title because everything between the covers is likely to be just that.

Elvis Has a Hero - Maybe

Could this man, Bradley Wiggins become Elvis' new hero?

Could Cofidis rider Bradley Wiggins become cycling's biggest hero? Wiggins, a 26 year old rider from Great Britain has said this regarding Landis' behavior at the Tour, "I was really angry with Landis. It sickens me. He tested positive and then he was denying it. He took us riders for fools". And more importantly he has said this, "Doping problems affect everyone in the peloton, I've got children, a wife and a house and I could lose my livelihood because someone who tests positive finishes ahead of me. It's about time someone had some balls and told it how it was. There are enough of us who think the way I do. They say it's only one or two but I'm sure more people are doing these things. So it's my role as a role-model to expose it and not pretend it isn't happening. I don't think it's right I should come up in front of everyone and put up a smokescreen and say everybody is OK and there are only one or two people doing this. My big motivation this year is to prove that you can win clean." (Read HERE)

Mr. Wiggins, you have an amazing opportunity right in front of you. If you do what you can to expose the dopers and their activities and if you stay clean Elvis Kennedy promises to name you the first annual Elvis Kennedy Man of The Year. I'm pulling for you. Really, I am. Cycling desperately needs someone to stand up and call things the way they really are. Especially because the current tolerance of ignorance has created a dysfunctional environment.

I don't know much about Mr. Bradley Wiggins but I did read his profile HERE and learned that he once rode for Linda McCartney's cycling team. I had no idea that Sir Paul's first wife sponsored a cycling team. I here forward and forever after forgive Linda for her terrible singing voice. It also gives me an excuse to include a racy photo of Sir Paul's current ex-wife; Heather Mills (see photo, below).

To give you and idea of what Bradley Wiggins is up against Elvis provides for your enjoyment these items;


Doper Floyd Landis continues his web of deceit. At the same time that he's traveling the country on his Girl Scout Cookie Tour (acting like a little girl, begging for money) he has refused to provide samples of his urine to the U.S. Anti Doping Agency (read HERE). If you'll recall Landis and his lackey's have consistently been claiming that the testing that showed testosterone in his urine was faulty. This would seem like the perfect defense for a guy who claims to be clean wouldn't it? Have the U.S. lab test his urine under controlled circumstances. If I'm a clean rider I would have been demanding re-testing from day one. But wait! Landis' knuckle-headed advisor/coach/spokesmouth (and retired doctor, as if that somehow makes him a urine testing expert) Arnie Baker now says, ""The sample was clearly contaminated and mislabeled. I'm not sure whose urine I'm looking at here". Ay, carumba! They've got an excuse answer for everything. Why don't they just go back to their original excuse; it was the beer. I mean the whiskey. I mean the hip pain drugs. I mean that I'm naturally high on testosterone. I mean...

And here's another Landis spin on truth; Landis tells ESPN (HERE) that he is increasingly pessimistic that he'll race professionally in 2007. He continually tries to portray himself as the victim. But it was Landis himself who requested that the hearings in his case be delayed. Originally set for February 8th, today, Landis requested that the US Anti Doping agency delay the hearing - now set for May 14th. He also requested that the French delay their hearings too. So here we have Landis crying that his 2007 season is lost when he was the primary factor in that outcome.

Then comes this nice little snippet from Velo News;

"Sadly, Hamilton's last day as a pro serves as a painful reminder of just what the sport has suffered through in recent years. That day's stage was won by Roberto Heras (stripped of the 2005 Vuelta title and suspended for EPO), who knocked Floyd Landis (facing the loss of the 2006 Tour de France title on a testosterone charge) out of the leader's jersey. Finishing second that day was Santiago Perez (suspended for blood doping), who finished ahead of third-placed Francisco Mancebo (named in Operación Puerto and ejected from the 2006 Tour)."

Doping Item #3:

Tour de France runner-up Oscar Pereiro (and eventual Tour winner if Floyd is found to have doped) was cleared (read HERE) of doping charges by presenting the French anti-doping agency with a medical excuse for using salbutamol (a banned substance). He claims that he forgot to send the paperwork in. Are you kidding me? In this day and age of cyclists getting hit with doping charges a Tour favorite somehow forgets to file such critical paperwork? He had apparently forgotten until he tested positive and then he quickly remembered. Plus, salbutamol is used by asthma sufferers (having asthma is a plus for endurance athletes, right?) to do what? Open breathing passageways to allow for more oxygen to enter the lungs. How lucky for Pereiro to suffer a disease which allows him to take a drug that actually helps him cycle better. What are the odds? I know what you're thinking; Elvis, you're not suggesting that pro riders and their doctors falsify medical documentation for a competitive advantage are you? YES! I am. Pereiro is a doper. There I said it. You have to stop listening to the teams and riders and look at the facts. Is it really possible for an asthma sufferer to be one of the best cyclists in the world? Wouldn't that be an impediment in a sport that relays so heavily on proper breathing and unworldly oxygen capacity? We don't need experts or testing to tell us that Pereiro is a doper. That fact that he takes a banned substance that, if honestly needed, would have prevented him from ever rising through the cycling ranks is a big chunk of obviousness.

And how is it that cyclists can find dishonest doctors willing to lie and cheat on their behalf? I'm not sure, but you might want to query Lance Armstrong on this. He spent six years working with and paying large sums of money to Dr. Michele Ferrari, convicted of malpractice by providing dope to cyclists. Armstrong will want you to believe that in those six years he and Ferrari had never spoken of or discussed anything in any way related to doping. All while Ferrari was providing dope, doping schedules and doping advice to his lesser known clients. Again, don't believe what these culprits are saying - believe your own eyes, ears and logic. Cut through the smoke, haze and mirrors that the cycling community/industry has throw up and understand that doping is rampant, especially by our heroes.

Landis, Pereiro and Armstrong are great examples of the axiom that; What matters is not what you can establish as true but what you can confuse people into thinking might be true.

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Some quick hits from the non-cycling world;

It didn't take long for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi to show her duplicity, did it? While campaigning she loved to point out the wastes and abuses of the Bush Administration. Now that she's got some power she's demanding an Air Force One type aircraft to ferry her, her staff, her family and lobbyists (what does that tell you about Pelosi) to her home state of California as well as to personal speaking engagements and other non-goverment related destinations. Read about it HERE. Just as bad, Congressman Jack "give government contracts to my brother" Murtha warned the people at the Pentagon who could approve or deny Pelosi's request that they'd better give in to her request because both he and Pelosi, as members of the House Appropriations Committee, decide on allocations for the Pentagon. Or in other words, give us the luxuries that we want or you won't get what you need for our troops overseas. Read HERE. Real class acts, Pelosi and Murtha.

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The Florida Supreme Court, in a wildly activist decision, decided that a guy who was duped by his tramp wife into believing that he was the father of her child, must continue to make child support payments even though DNA evidence proved that we was NOT the father. The court found that "policy considerations favoring protecting the best interest of the child" override the interests of a sucker defrauded by his ex-wife. Maybe the court should take it one (minor) step further and say that the best interests of the child out-weigh those of Elvis Kennedy and that he, too, should send money to the ex-wife who got knocked up by cheating on her husband. The court also said that the husband was, or should have been aware that in today's world there is a high incidence of infidelity and that in-effect, the husband should have seen this coming. Read all about this wacky but possibly landmark decision HERE.

While I whole-heartedly agree in protecting the "best interest of the child" I cannot agree that taking money from a guy who is not the biological father and did not legally adopt the child is the correct outcome. The alternative course is for the ex-wife to find and sue the biological father and/or go on welfare to protect the child. Probably not good outcomes in either case but certainly better than what the court decided. All of this is the tramp's fault, why isn't she being held responsible for anything? If you live in Florida, beware. You have a supreme court that just might rule to garnish your wages for things you have no relation to.

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Elvis' impatient thought for today; When is the future going to get here?

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Promised photo of Heather Mills (ex-Mrs. Sir Paul McCartney)

It's Cold (even if they say it isn't)

With record low temperatures there was no real opportunity to get outside and enjoy bicycling. Or was there? How about heading down to the Winter Games in Fish Creek, WI. Even with temperatures dipping to minus 3 ambient and minus 25 with wind chill a few brave souls battled the elements by entering the Bicycle Toss competition. Elvis could only handle a few minutes outside on the frozen bay but he did see a guy toss a bike 52 ft. 3 inches.





Elvis' youngest will not be in school tomorrow. Why? Wind chills are dropping to 35 degrees below zero. I've been on the planet for a long time and never did I get out of school because it was too cold. And aren't we being told that it's getting dangerously warmer? All of this makes Elvis question the intelligence of the global warming fear mongers who decided to release their major report in the dead of winter. Wouldn't this get better play in the dog days of summer? I mean it, can they really be that smart if they're that stupid?

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Create Fear and Panic and Get Rich At The Same Time

The scientists who stand to get rich with the global warming scare released a report filled with loose deductions, dire predictions and blatant fear mongering. Why would these scientists do this? Easy. A recent report showed that 57% of Americans are "concerned over global warming". Why are we concerned? Because the media has been pounding this issue for years now. It seems as if you can't have a conversation about anything these days without someone shrugging their shoulders and saying, "global warming". Weather, fuel prices, food prices, earthquakes, vacations, salaries, kids behavior, Da Bears Super Bowl loss (rain), whatever. 57% of us might be concerned but less than 1% of us understand global warming (it also proves the theory that once you've got an anecdote you can throw away the data). This is a major disconnect and one that will lead Congress to appropriate large sums of money to the institutions and universities where these scientists reside. The scientists will get higher pay, better offices, cuter lab assistants, better equipment, cool electronic stuff, worldwide travel and their names front and center in newspapers, on television and in books. (Scientists on both sides of this issue are playing the same 'get rich quick' game. Go HERE to read how they disagree, and in fact admit to not understanding what the implications are of the increasing ice in the middle of ice sheets and the decreasing ice on the edges.)

We like to think of scientists as benevolent workaholic lab rats whose lives are dedicated to making society a better place. But the fact is, the scientific community is as cut-throat and competitive as Wall Street. Getting a major grant can make a career. Getting a cushy tenure at a swanky university can make you rich. And global warning is doing both for a lot of these people. These are also the same people that predicted global COOLING in a 1975 Newsweek report, HERE (Funny thing about the article referencing the Newsweek report. The author's been so jaded by the global warmers that he even states that the 1975 article isn't 'wrong' it was only a miscalculation, something that surely couldn't happen today)

If the world is becoming warmer, and no one knows for sure, Elvis Kennedy believes that it is due to natural sources like, say, the Sun. The Sun, with it's solar flares, dark spots and radiating heat and emissions have a huge impact on our world. In fact, our world wouldn't exist as we know it today if not for the Sun. Ice ages, warm periods, life and death are all a result of the Sun's watchful glare. Only human beings would be so audacious to suggest that their puny little activities could somehow significantly impact our planet or solar system. And secondly, none of the possible effects of such warming will be felt by you or me. It'll be centuries before any significant changes will occur to our climate or sea-levels. And by then humans will have adapted - like we always do.

So it's shameful for the greedy and self-serving scientists to toss out dire predictions such as; world wide famine, riots, unbearable heat, drought, flooding (take your pick), and so on when the truth is that they are taking bits and pieces of information and then running them together in computer models to show the worst possible outcome.

And don't forget; many of these people are meteorologists. You know, the same guys and gals that will pontificate with their 10-day weather forecasts but in reality have no idea what tomorrow's weather will be. Even if we remove competition from the equation the scientific community is only as good as what they can observe and understand. Thunderstorms and lighting are created by angry gods, the sun (and everything else) revolves around the earth, acid rain will end life on earth, you will die of SARS, mad cow and/or avian flu, sticking leeches on your skin will cure any disease. Oh, and the world is flat.

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Notes on the Super Bowl

- Bears Coach Lovie Smith, lauded all week as a genius for sticking to his beleaguered quarterback, Rex Grossman, looks like an idiot today.

- After the opening kick-off was returned for a touchdown the Colts screwed around by using the squib kick on kick-offs which resulted in the Bears average starting position being the 38 yard line. Why not just kick it out-of-bounds and give them the ball at the 40? Then there is no chance of a return.

- With a little over ten minutes left in the game and down by 12 points the Bears were still in their normal huddle offense and took their time about it. How many chances did they think that they were going to get? Why are you letting the clock run down? Additionally, the Bears offense had shown little signs of life and maybe a no-huddle offense would have woken them up. Grossman was tentative all game and this could have been the spark for him.

- Conversely, with about nine minutes to play Indy, instead of running the clock out, choose to go pass-wacky. Starting at 9:08 remaining; incomplete pass, sack, short run on third and eighteen, punt. Time off the clock? 1:22, and that included a delay of game as Indy wanted better punting position. Had they gone run, run, run they would have taken at least 3:25 off of the clock. That's two extra minutes the Bears had to work with. Luckily for for Indy the Bears were just as ineffective. If the Bears had made a run for it those two minutes would have loomed large.

- With fourth down on the Bears 16 yard line the Colts choose to hand off to the half-back instead of kicking a game icing field goal. Indy was up by 12 and two Bears touchdowns would have stolen the game. With Indy up by 15 the Bears chances were much slimmer. Sure, the Bears had shown nothing on offense up to that point but it was still possible. Indy coach Tony Dungy likes to win with grace and that's a good thing, especially in this era of flash and dance. It was a foolish decision nonetheless.

- The ads were lackluster. This makes Elvis long for the days when Cindy Crawford was in two of every three Super Bowl commercials (or so it seemed but in any event a good excuse to run her picture (below)).

- CBS did a terrible job with the broadcast. The sound levels were constantly going up and down, the music or crowd noise was often louder than the announcers. And why-oh-why didn't your $500K HD cameras have $99 hoods on them to keep the rain off of the lenses?

- 53 men make up the active roster of the Indianapolis Colts and yet CBS kept the cameras (yes, multiple camera angles) on one guy, Peyton Manning during the entire post-game show. Yes, he was the game's MVP but he didn't do it alone.

- Is there a more fortunate NFL player than Indy kicker Adam Vinatieri? Five Super Bowls and four rings in only eleven years. His only Super Bowl loss coming at the hands of the 12-time Word Champion Green Bay Packers in Vinatieri's rookie year. Will he join Jan Stenerud as the only other placekicker to be enshrined in pro football's Hall of Fame? He has had two game winning kicks in Super Bowls and in both of those games glamour boy Tom Brady received the game MVP award instead of Vinatieri. Will the Hall of Fame, just like Super Bowl MVP award voters, continue to over-look kickers in favor of glamour positions like quarterback and running back?

- The Bears still suck